Hampshire county council elections are on May 4th and for the next couple of months, many Andover properties will suffer an unwelcome infestation of people canvassing for your vote.
Candidates will be seeking votes in Andover South, Andover North and Andover West. The whole of Andover East couldn’t be bothered to participate this time around.
If you are unsure how to handle these unwelcome door-steppers, Andover Radio has collated a Top Five to assist you in your aim of removing them from your front door and making sure they fail to return:
1) Say, “Oh, it’s YOU, your picture is over that junkmail I keep getting, and you’re on my Twitter feed. You’re the one with the [insert family, education or belief system information here]. Good Lord, you look much worse in real life”.
This is a sly attempt to show them that you are paying attention to their endless marketing efforts. It’s your way of saying you have studied their career and lifestyle with intensity, scrutinising every contribution they have made to the town tp date. Then stare directly into their eyes and say, “I’m watching you”. Any genuine candidate will have so much to hide they won’t want to continue the conversation.
2) Open the door and hand them a brown envelope.
If they refuse it, they are not corrupt and therefore not a real politician. Call the Police. If they do accept it, they are a real politician. Call the Police.
3) Ask, “Have you got any kids?”
If they say yes, deride them for already adding to the overpopulation of the planet and the local housing crisis. Likewise, if they say ‘no’, tell them in which case there is no way they will ever understand the needs of local families.
4) Ask, “If a train is travelling at 56 miles per hour and leaves Grateley at 11.35am, what time will it arrive in Andover?”
Our intern reporter had this in her maths exam a few years back and the answer has been bugging her for years.
5) Ask, “What are you going to do for ME?”
This is important to know as in this day and age when all corners of Andoverian society are crumbling into its shaky Dark Age foundations, what is this politician willing to do for you? An extra £20 in your back pocket, maybe? A new car? Free entry to Cameo? Play the level of bribes off against the next candidate.